Filed under: AMAZING!, devotion, everyday life., hmm, I'm emotional!, kind of stupid., legitamite depression, my sites, Nothing, so boring
go to baileyschaaf.wordpress.com for my sketchbook site.
peace.
I can’t listen to half my music anymore because they’re angry songs about an ugly relationship and I can’t even imagine relating myself to the lyrics because I’m so happy just knowing you and not knowing enough about you.
All the words I wrote for a speech meant to change civilization, I left suspending in the back of my throat because I was too scared to use them, but every time I get near you, they’re set free and the world becomes a better place, everyone recycles, nobody curses others, and civilization crumbles and is rebuilt in honor of you and me.
My tongue doesn’t dream of hurting you but my arms dream of holding you and I pray that I was made for you because I know you were made for me.
Today I laid in wet grass and tried to feel my thoughts then clear my emotions. The only thing I couldn’t erase was that I wanted to be with you right at that second, so I got up and went to you. I feel when you feel, hurt when you hurt, but that doesn’t mean I want you to fake happiness. When tears trouble your eyes, let them fall. When joy tickles you, lose it. And when someone very dear to you is lost, I want my soul to be near yours.
Like the clouds roll around all day long right above our heads, you and I could drift away weeks on end, right in our hearts. I know I usually can’t trust myself on these things but I know I can believe myself on this one because I feel it in my chest- I want to embrace your spirit, your smile, your hair, and your voice- and your lips wouldn’t hurt to kiss either.
I want to capture every moment in a still photograph and fall asleep to the sincerity, the authenticity, and the warmth of you every night. Then when I’m upset, I won’t be. When I search in my head to find a thought worth thinking, there you are, and there I go- remembering how high-quality I felt in your presence, just the night before, and I consider how magnificently dressed you were and how seeing your striking smile every few seconds made me a better person.
We’ll dance through the calendar and Ill spend all the time I can with you, you can tell me what makes you happy and what you haven’t told anyone else. You’ll lose all your reticence, I’ll lose myself, then we can indulge in each other as long as sun floats.
Thanks for finding my smile, I won’t lose it again. We’ll have a staring contest and there’ll be no more Zen because I don’t need it. Who needs to turn tables when I could have someone like you in my handshake?
I’d be swallowing my heart and wrenching my stomach if you were anyone else I blushed at, but this is a feeling that’s such a sensation that I can’t contain it, even from you. Because this is the first and the choice time I’ve ever felt content with where I was in my walk with Christ and who my life pointed to. So this can’t be just another time I drop my neck and turn around, it can’t be, because of the exclusiveness of this situation. I won’t push it, and I absolutely won’t force anything- but this feels so right that I can’t do what’s wrong in my heart. Regret gets too heavy and then sorrow tends to hold you, and it’d be a shame for me to let that happen when I have the privilege to know someone like you.
Thanks for everything
I hoped that you would understand what you do to me and what you do for me.
And now I’m ecstatic
Give me forty winks.
Lull me to sleep.
Filed under: I'm emotional!
if you know her, give yourself a pat on the back and tell everyone you want, because Im so frustrated with things like that, that Im numb to it and expect it out of almost everyone by now.
Filed under: I'm emotional!
her not having feelings for me deeper than friendship the way I have feelings for her deeper than friendship doesnt make her any less wonderful to be around.
and it cant erase my feelings.
sometimes people say they wish their feelings could be erased but these are such good ones I dont ever want them to be. but the problem is…
I DONT WANT TO BE ANOTHER LETDOWN/BURDEN/ANNOYANCE!
Filed under: I'm emotional!
is not a home because:
strangers from bars show up.
smells like cigarettes.
theres more beer than water in the house.
Q95 blares out of every speaker.
shirtless men walk around cussing with no regard for children, theirs or anybody else’s.
and my mom don’t care.
Dear God, I pray for a support group, I pray for peace, I ask that you take the future you promised and make it feel prevelent in everything I do now, drown me in your presence, numb me in your joy, and fill my heart, soul, body, and mind with your continuous blessings because I need it now more than I have in a while.
in your son’s name and in his life that was given for our second chance-
love, brandon.
I pray. you pray. we all pray for eachother.
Filed under: I'm emotional!
update: amanda, this is before we spoke, love you.
being at my house isn’t peaceful. its so hard because they say they want to create a home. an as normal as possible home. but according to me, home is where you get your peace and Im not getting any peace at home, I’m actually getting filled up with stress. not being in any decision making process is killing me softly. (cameo song appearance.) I have to watch my words, be careful how I act and make sure saying something or not saying something or saying something in the wrong context will make someone mad at me. and thats not peace. I get me peace when Im with christian fellowship, I get my peace from doing faith, hope, and love week type stuff and being told that I cant participate in anything like that is like getting stabbed.
I wish I at least had dictators in my house that didn’t take for granted that instead of saying “you’re doing too many drugs, you drink too much, you have pre-marital sex too much, you cuss and swear at your siblings and I too much” they’re saying “you go to church too much, leave church at 9 no later, no you cant go be counsled because you can’t make plans for something the day before.”
frustration.
and a couple scandolous things have come to my attention that bother me A LOT.
-my dad is trying to get full custody of us (hard)
-I dont want to do that but I don’t want to be around my mom and her lifestyle. (hard)
prayer is appreciated. my prayers have shifted from make this better to get me out of here and I dont like those kind of prayers but the first kind has kind of been feeling futile now.
Filed under: I'm emotional!
so frustrated. secrets were spilled when I wanted to spill them myself. parents parenting is becoming more of a joke than common sense. and my knee is still rock hard and as big as a softball literally. Dr. Ambre, I need you!
Im so frustrated that jesus feels unreachable and those are the worst moments. like Im just laying here with broken legs and arms so I can’t leave myself but I keep getting dragged around to hang out with my moms bar friends and her crappy boyfriend and then to work everyday and its only breaking more bones. and being fed at church isn’t happening enough to make me last a full week through it all. I dont know who reads this other than the mic-ruling koz’s but pray for me soon. its getting sad.
its such a strange situation- my mom needed someone to move into her house so she could move out into an apartment so she could afford living in this town. It was never going to happen until my dad and my step-mom decided they would, so now my dad is moving into my moms house and my mom cant find an apartment so shes going to live with a friend for a while and we (my brother and sisters) cant live there with her. so what that means is we’re staying at my dads house for a while. (even megan, which is even stranger because shes technically my half-sister so she’ll be staying with her mom’s ex-husband. but shes only 5 so she’ll think its fun.)
Its going to be a hard couple of months but I know I’ll just have to remember I can’t do pretty much anything all by myself and I’ll need to depend on God a lot while this all happens. I might go crazy staying with my dad, he’ll seriously tell me I’m eighteen and I’m a man now and why aren’t you working thirty five hours a week? I want you working forty hours a week! it’s times like these when those simple commandments aren’t so simple. like in this situation, honor your mother and father. Its so easy when it comes down to just not flicking them off. I’ll never do that but when it comes down to when its something my dad strongly thinks is important and I dont see any importance in it and neither does anyone else I talk to about it, that gets frustrating and thats when honoring your mother and father gets hard. So I’ll just keep asking God to be with me while I stumble through all this. and while I’m working daily I’ll just keep praying throughout it and instead of working because my dad says I HAVE to, I’ll just make it a situation where Im working under my savior and anything I do is for his glory- might as well do my best.
